Hope

When we put up the Christmas Tree after Thanksgiving, we had to purchase new ornaments, mine were buried in my storage unit. Aside from them being buried, it just didn't seem right to hang all the old ornaments from Christmas' past. The past was long gone and I had been sadly hanging onto it.

Its amazing how in an instant, the path you are on can fork with a prong that wasn't there before, it just suddenly appears and takes you in a totally different direction. Though unexpected, in November my entire life changed. Work was going great, my son had started college in the fall. Life was becoming "OK" but meeting someone special had made it even better. Things were looking up!

When my son and I went shopping, we decided on the theme of "Hope" for the tree's decor. "Hope" for the new year; that it will be one of new beginnings. How do you convey "Hope" through ornaments you may ask? We covered the tree with butterflies, for new beginnings, musical notes, for the beautiful music that would be made in the coming year and of course, ornaments that said "Hope".

My tree had not been erected for at least four years. It is a large tree and my loft apartment was large enough to accommodate it and besides, I actually felt like celebrating Christmas. While I put it together, my son played the guitar for me. It was a precious memory that I will cherish and recorded with my camera. My son and his fiance' trimmed the tree the following day, they both had a fabulous time of their own.

We celebrated Christmas the week before and the kids and Grand kids were here. They all had a wonderful time and the apartment was filled with joyful energy. Laughter was heard throughout the evening. It was the best Christmas I could recall having since I was a little girl and we were camping at Disney World in Florida.

Come January, the winter had already been harsh. Schedules at work slowed and sometimes canceled due to poor weather. In February, I had surgery and missed more work. It looked for a moment like I was going to lose the apartment. Fortunately I had help from the new beau and income taxes came. I am still paying my bills with my income tax return but there is "Hope" in sight. Work is picking up gradually but with my lease coming to and end, I had to make some tough choices.

I've never lived anywhere but here in my hometown but was invited to live with my boyfriend, three and a half hours away, just for the summer until I could get back on my feet. I sat my son down and we discussed the options and he told me to do what I had to do. And now I am in the process of doing it.

I finally took down the tree this week, three months after Christmas. I enjoyed looking at it and still turned on the lights when I was able to be home. It was melancholy, not just because I am moving again (for the sixth time in three years) but because now my son is angry I am leaving and he is not speaking to me, despite the fact it was only to be a temporary situation and we had already discussed the possibility it might happen.

However, good always seems to come from the bad. I don't know what it is, we never know until we have the hindsight to look back and say, "I'm glad that happened", that's what "Hope" is; the ability to take any given situation and "Hope" it gets better. I still have "Hope" that this will be a great year. Sometimes its our loved ones that make it what it is. It's never as bad as it seems when they are there beside us and supportive.

I don't remember the struggles I've had so far this year. What I do remember is Christmas, being snowed in and watching movies, snuggled on the couch and eating lots of cake, the squeals and laughter of my Grandsons and kids playing and being thankful that my taxes came when they did. I "Hope" my son comes around and realizes that half the battle, half the struggles in life, are with our own attitudes and how we perceive and react to situations.

I love my family and friends. I am truly blessed. I could have the worst year ever this year, but I will choose to remember the best parts!

Footnote: I didn't post this blog after writing it, I had forgotten about it with my busy schedule but with Christmas right around the corner again, I thought it appropriate and the good news is, my son is speaking to me again, and as I suspected, good has come of it! My son has become more independent, I have paid my bills and have been able to build a savings for the upcoming slow season. It was a very good year but it went way too fast!

Sinsinawa Labyrinth

Beneath a row of pines, on the left side
of the silent road, rests the labyrinth.
I breach the broken bones of limestone lines
in search of a golden thread.

Instead, debris litters the pebbled path.
Dead things lay beneath my feet,
shed from trees above my head;
leaves crunch, twigs crack.

Disoriented, I wander the maze
as the center moves
farther and farther away;
lost in mounds of thought.

Abruptly I'm centered.
A feather enchants my eye;
from the marrow I'm given wings and vision.
I see there is not a golden thread;
I have not sown it.

No longer fearing the narrow path,
I acknowledge the dead things.
The obstacles seem quite small
compared to the length of lines I've walked.


by Elizabeth A. Hall
1/29/06

Reflections of the Unemployed - Week 14

Wow, Week 14! This week went by in a flash. I had my second interview in 14 weeks on Thursday; the highlight of my week. I heard from the company on Monday and it was a grueling wait. The job is very appealing, like nothing I've ever done before and "I want it bad". The job description would have me traveling throughout Illinois, Iowa and Missouri selling photos to church patrons who have recently had their photo taken for their church directory (photos are already taken, no cold calling involved...Phew!). The directories are free with an 8x10 thrown in (good deal). I would offer them additional photo packages.

I've never done this type of sales before but I believe if the product is good, it will sell itself. Fortunately I would have a base salary in addition to commission, otherwise I probably wouldn't consider it. Having worked in a call center, I had the opportunity to talk to many people from all walks of life across the country and enjoyed the uniqueness of each person and found them all interesting in their own way (oh the stories I could tell and just might some day).

In addition to meeting fascinating people, the job would take me out of the office and onto the open road and you can bet, I will take full advantage of the travel opportunity. The places I would visit, the people I would meet, the photos I would take and the stories I will tell. It feels liberating just thinking about it. The interviewer said it tends to get lonely staying in a motel, night after night and can be quite boring. That's if you aren't creative and enjoy spending your alone time writing poetry, blogging, reading, thinking and twittering. I responded as such but in not so many words.

I came out of the interview feeling very positive, despite the question on the application: "Have you ever been discharged from a job and why". I could not avoid being honest. The interviewer commented on my "likable personality" which is a plus in any interview. At the conclusion of the interview, she asked "what do you think"? I had to say "It sounds like a great adventure", as it does.

On another note, my son made it to the Army recruiter this week, only to find out that the day prior to his appointment, they received a letter advising them to no longer accept recruits with a GED. Fortunately my son was in the process of signing up for college and grants. He is now required to have 15 credit hours before they will take him, so I'll have him around a bit longer. He intends to fulfill those requirements and then enlist.

Also this week, I received a call from my friend, to whom I took photos for, of her new Granddaughter. It seems she had taken the disk I made for her to Walgreen's to have some of the photos developed. Walgreen's did not believe the photos were not taken by a professional photographer and she was made to sign a statement indicating as such. That is the second time I've taken photos for someone and they had difficulty. What a compliment that is for me.

My poetic muse returned to me in a quite obscure manner but none the less it returned. All in all making me quite a happy camper this week. And hopefully, soon I will be writing on the road, traveling with Classic Rock blaring on the radio with the wind in my hair and a smile on my face.

(Photographic Theme: "The Sky's The Limit")

Peace
Liz

Reflections of the Unemployed - Week 13

I can't decide if week 13 is lucky or unlucky. I had my first interview and later the same evening, my son declared he was joining the Army. But that's another blog. I've had one interview out of 41 job applications. The odds don't look good and it turned out to be a part-time position at a wage of $8.00 an hour, ouch! I'm making more on unemployment.

I chalked it up to a learning experience. My face probably went white when I was asked about my attendance and how often I called off. I danced around the answer, explaining I really couldn't give them an accurate number because I had health issues, leading up to a hysterectomy and after. I had to ask myself after, if I should have been completely honest with them. After all, it looks like it was just a practice interview as there is no way I can take the job at that wage.

Should I have told them that I was "let go" because of attendance but had Doctors excuses for almost all of my absences with the exception of a few half days? And that it was illegal to fire someone for an excused absence but they did and that the man at Unemployment who made the decision that I receive benefits was appalled at their attendance policy? How can I be honest and tactful at the same time and not look bad?

I was present for the birth of my friends first Grandchild on Monday. Her daughter was in labor from 6:00 am to 6:10pm, they ended up doing a c-section because little Madison, wasn't so little. She weighed in at 8lbs and 13oz. and 21 inches long. I visited them when they came home from the hospital and took some beautiful photos for them. When I finished editing them, that itch to go back to school came over me once again. I can be content for hours just editing photos I've taken and wish I were doing it for a living.

On Tuesday my son informed me he was joining the Army and on Wednesday he announced he's getting married. Emotionally overwhelmed, I took a trip to the bank and my safe deposit box to withdraw my wedding set from his Father and my own Father's wedding band for my son. I've been on the verge of tears all week. Yesterday my son took us to lunch and I gave them their wedding gift, both myself and my future daughter-in-law became choked up. We had a great lunch and the ring looked like it was made for her dainty fingers.

Now I'm recovering, house sitting for my cousin, nestled in the woods. I've been keeping preoccupied with writing. I have a list of "To Do's", to accomplish this weekend online. I still have a lot of photos to go through. My 401k was issued to me, without my permission, they just sent it and charged me $50 just for withdrawing it. It wasn't much to speak of but it was enough to purchase a portable hard drive. I left my computer sit all week, backing up the entire computer. My impatience became unbearable and 3/4's of the way through and five days later I unplugged it so I could use my computer. Maybe this weekend I'll figure out why it is taking so long.

I'm thankful at this point in my life that I am unemployed, I would not be able to enjoy these special moments, being able to drop everything and celebrate them as they arise. Taking in the opportunities that I may have missed otherwise. I'm sure I've said it before but I believe everything happens for a reason and these significant milestones in my childrens lives are much more important and I'm thankful I'm there to share in them now.

Peace
Liz

Embracing Change

Life is a work in progress. Everyday is new and different. Everyday poses a new challenge, a new obstacle, a new struggle. "What doesn't break us will only make us stronger". I haven't broke yet. I haven't given up yet. Never in my life have I "not" been in control. Apparently God thinks its been long over due that I learn that lesson of letting go of the control and the things that I thought mattered most. The only control I have now is how I react or respond to the situation.

I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. I don't care what people think of me, therefore I am not afraid to be myself or say what I think. I'm kind and compassionate and as I said to my friend Vetter last night, "I'm just too nice". He assured me that was a dying quality and a good quality. Unfortunately, sometimes it gets you no where. Many people who have been through what I've been through in the last couple of years would grow cold and bitter, its just another coping mechanism to avoid pain. But its the pain that makes us who we are and its how we respond to that pain that builds our character and its how I respond that keeps me from becoming that cold bitter person. Who wants to be cold and bitter? I've learned to embrace the pain.

I've sacrificed my love for others and have stood back and watched them get hurt over and over again. Its like tough love, watching them hurt and not being able to do a damn thing about it or knowing you need to stay out of it. They have to learn it on their own or they will have learned nothing. I had to learn it, nobody was going to tell me what to do, but eventually you wake up and say "you were right" but by then its too late. To the outside observer, knowing the truth about any given situation really doesn't matter. People choose to be blind because it's less painful or its better than the alternative or less risky.

I used to wonder why I always chose the rough road but if we don't take the rough road, it takes us longer to really learn our lessons if we learn them at all. The easy road is just "the easy way out". Like people who don't like school, they skip class and end up not learning a thing or just dropping out and then where does that leave them? Not on solid ground that's for sure. You can't walk through life on the "soft" ground because it keeps giving way under your feet and you have to keep picking yourself up and starting over, eventually it gets exhausting and you give up and just lay there in the dirt, feeling dirty and weak. You lose your sense of self and pride and integrity and your journey becomes "not worth the effort" and you stop caring.

Every day people are given signs and pointed in the right direction, but every day those signs are ignored. Why? Because their minds are clouded by selfishness, with insignificant feelings of self pity and thoughts of "poor me". "Why is this happening to me?" they may ask. All the answers are right there.