Road Warrior - Two Ships Passing in the Night

Traveling for ones job does have its disadvantages. My fiance' and I both travel, sometimes we work together, sometimes not. We try to take advantage of what little time we are able to spend together. This week has been very "trying". We tried to meet up after a long week at our frequent Saturday night spot. "I'll meet you in about forty minutes" he said, "I'll call when I get close". Anxious to meet up with him after a long grueling week, I timed it so I would arrive at our destination in "forty minutes".

I was right on time, but no Tony. After a couple of minutes of waiting I received a call. He had tried to surprise me, thinking we could ride together. So, I drove home and we did drive together. However the same week, Tony was working in Cedar Rapids, I was working in the Quad Cities and would be passing through Cedar Rapids on the way. I thought it would be a nice surprise to wake him and snuggle for a while before continuing on.

I had left early and timed it so I'd have about an hour to spend with my honey. I arrived at the hotel but not knowing what room he was in, I called, twice and got no answer. I waited about ten minutes for him to get my message, expecting him to pop out one of the doors (I was parked next to his van). No response! I finally went to the lobby and had the desk clerk ring his room and she handed me the phone. Tony picked up the phone and hung it right back up. The desk clerk asked if I wanted her to try again. At this point, I felt like a stalker and with my head down and tail between my legs, I left. Later I would find that he thought it was his wake up call and his phone was dead.

On occasion our rendezvous do work out. On my birthday this year, Tony surprised me with a visit while I was working in Southern Iowa and he was working nearby, although "working nearby" can mean an hours drive. The lady at the front desk of the hotel let him stay at no charge and then in the morning, he was on his way to where he needed to be.

Sometimes, our arrivals home can be sweetly, synchronistic! Just a few weeks ago we converged at the same exit, at the same time, we could see each other's vehicles from across the road, what are the chances of that? For the most part, we manage to meet at our Saturday night, dinner spot, within minutes of each other. A few other popular "arriving home" activities are, catching the sunset on the lake or a bon-fire and grilling out (even if it is at 1:00am and there is a foot of snow on the ground).

It is the little things that mean a lot in our relationship. I leave notes and mail post cards from my destinations. Now, having moved up in the world, having added unlimited text and picture messaging to our phone plan, being six hours away from each other doesn't seem so extreme. Tony sends me texts with pics and sound and an occasional 15 second video.

Being on the road, with little time together can be an issue for some couples. I've seen co-workers come and go and listen to them gripe and complain about the situation at home but in the bigger picture, what is more important? Sundays, sometimes being our only day off, the dishes, cleaning, laundry and shopping manage to get done or sometimes not but it is "our" day and we don't make a big deal out of it. Sure, there is a lot to be done around a house but we make the best use of the time we have. Tony likes to sleep in, I am an early riser. By the time I get the dishes and the laundry done, he's awake and I get to spend the rest of the day with him. If he's out doing yard work, I'm getting other things done or taking a bath and reading a book. We don't whine or complain, life is too short! We just make the best of it! And it works wonderfully!

Shades of Me

Moving from Fall into Winter has brought up many questions and answers in my mind this week. Re-reading "Shades of Me", I realize that it might just be possible for that "Spring" to come again. That "Shade" of me has not died yet, though for months, possibly even years, its felt as though it had.

I've feared the "Spring" and have been content to remain in the "Winter", when all things have died or are dormant. I am still terrified of the "Spring" but I can see it coming now and despite the mixture of feelings it arouses, the season will change and I can choose to remain dormant or embrace it. I think I will embrace it and go with the flow of the seasons.

Thanks "T"


Shades of Me
such as the seasons be

Ever changing hues
of green to gold,
from young to old

And as if Spring
has come to stay,
abruptly, it is swept away.

Contentment leaves
dew turns to frost.
I cry for a Spring,
that appears to be lost.

Blossoms wilt
and turn to brown.
Will shades of Spring
again be found?

Assuredly as seasons change
fragments of the Spring remain.

"Shades of Me" was published by Rook Publishing in "Quothade an Anthology" in 2005 and is my all time favorite poem.

Road Warrior - Revisitng Lover's Leap

I left abruptly Monday morning for Saint Louis, Missouri. It was 3:00am when I couldn't handle the situation at home any longer having slept about two hours when I departed. I watched the sun rise somewhere south of Peoria, Illinois. Adrenalin coursing through my veins finally wore out about fifty miles from my destination and I had to pull over for a coffee refill and pull myself together.

I spent two days in Saint Louis, terrified to drive anywhere other than work. I have a fear of driving in big cities. I knew there were several sights I would have liked to have visited but didn't. Our job was nothing short of a bad dream. But you'll have those days. I pretty much stayed in my motel room for the duration and ate nearby. Of course, I never thought I'd be driving all over the country side for work at any point in my life or solo for that matter. I'm glad fear didn't prevent me from taking this job, though I may complain on occasion, I do love it.

I left on Wednesday morning and decided to take the scenic route 79, even though it was an hour longer. I had plenty of time to enjoy the day and a lot on my mind. Normally I avoid driving the winding, curving hilly roads as much as possible ( like the busy cities) but this time I chose to drive them deliberately. If I hadn't I would have missed some beautiful scenery and some good pictures.

I stopped in a place called "Blue Rose" North of Clarksville and saw a sign for the "Village Lodge Bed & Breakfast", touting a restaurant with a beautiful view, I had to take a peek. Unfortunately I was 1/2 hour too early for lunch and they weren't open but it was a beautiful view indeed and I walked about the property thinking that maybe some day I might like to stay there. I think I also stopped at every scenic overlook that I came across.

When I came upon Hannibal I saw the Mark Twain Cave off to the left and a flood of memories came rushing back. I'd been in Hannibal before with my now ex-husband and I had a feeling I knew what was coming up on the right hand side of the highway. Sure enough there it was, "Lovers Leap". I had to stop, I was drawn to it. After taking pictures and appreciating the view much more than I had years ago I thought about revisiting the Mark Twain Diner for lunch and headed back down the cliff to town.

Town was a buzz with activity and I couldn't find a parking place, so I decided to continue on with my journey, I could see the bridge that would take me into Illinois and away from "The Great River Road" and decided that I'd had enough. On my way to the interstate I glanced to my right and there was the horrid hotel we had stayed in, it was a dump then and was worse today but regardless, I smiled, remembering us both waking with aching backs from the bed.

Even though things didn't work out with my ex-husband, it didn't stop me from enjoying the memory that we shared in Hannibal which brings me to the moral of this particular story. When I left for Missouri It was an unpleasant evening, I won't go into details except to say that no one was hurt, physically anyway. No one ever really wins in a break up, but if it doesn't work out you can at least say you tried (sometimes several times) and took a risk and jumped off the cliff into the unknown, just as I did this trip. Even though it began badly and work didn't go well, I chose to take the winding, curving, hilly roads home despite my fears and ended up making some new memories as well as recalling some good old ones. We choose how we are going to remember our experiences. I choose to look back and remember the good things about this trip and life.

Rehashing the Past

Its funny how history repeats it's self. People tend to forget the things that you do for them out of love or kindness, just to make them happy because it makes you feel good inside to give and then they turn it around on you and only recall what they want to. Sometimes no matter how giving you are, its never enough, they want "more more more". I never expected anything in return and never got so much as a thanks and really didn't expect one. I forgave as it is my nature to do so. I believe in fairness, honesty, respect,integrity and forgiveness.

I'm not angry anymore over the past, I'm not even angry about the current situation, I'm trying to make the best of it. What I'm angry about is the unrealistic expectations and exaggerated responses, the apologies made not because one is truly sorry, but think that "that" is what you want to hear and it will make everything better and go away. But it doesn't go away unless its sincere, it comes back to bite them in the ass, that's the problem with telling people what they want to hear, or telling untruths to make ones self look and feel better about themselves, they soon forget what they said and when the people close to you find inconsistencies and holes in the stories, they lose trust in that person and unfortunately sometimes a good friend.

I'm very happy in my current relationship. I've found someone who believes in the same ideals. Am I being chastised for wanting to move on? I've danced around moving on for two years, a seamlessly never ending waltz being led by procrastination and false hopes. But when I am finally ready to separate the past from the present and get closure, separate the material portion of that life which is the last task to be completed, I'm treated with contempt. Just because someone fixes a clock that isn't theirs doesn't make it theirs. Just because someone says "we'll take care of it later" doesn't mean "later" won't come one day. Later is here, the dance is over, the music stopped long ago and its time to get off the dance floor, there are new partners on the dance card.