Hard Core Hysterectomy Confessions

I'm bored to tears, can't sleep and am coaxing along the long awaited BM after surgery. Today is the day, I've taken a pain killer in anticipation. (I know, I'll write about anything for the sake of writing. Sorry folks its the drugs.) The question of the day? will two the size of a pea constitute a BM? Surely its not a "Big Mama" more like " Borderline Microscopic". I have until Monday, then I have to call the Doc. Who by the way I've grown very fond of.

After feeling like I had been turned into a blow up doll, watching my legs inflate and deflate, knowing all I have left of my femininity is a tube. Everyone had to keep reminding me that my vagina was packed...packed for what? A vacation, where is it going and why? I finally learned the purpose of the packing when it was time to go home, the Dr. came in and announced she was unpacking my vagina...."You were told it was packed?" she asked. I thought to myself, "Yes, too many times to count, I'm glad its staying".



Doc spread 'em and proceeded to remove the long strip of gauze that was packing my vagina (I've been told I like that word and use it way too much). As she was removing it, hand over hand she clenched her teeth, smiled and bobbed her head as she often does and said "it just keeps on coming"..lol She may be a doctor but I think she secretly wanted to be a magician because that's what it looked like, a magic trick but instead of scarves in pockets, she uses gauze in vaginas.


I think we bonded while I was there and she called me yesterday, with much excitement (I think she was more excited than myself) to say that my biopsy came back NOT CANCEROUS!. I had fibroids and something called Asherman's syndrome. She had initially told me she would let me know on my follow up appointment this upcoming Wednesday. But she surprised me again.



Now I have 6 to 8 weeks of not being able to much of anything. I've learned that I tend to drop things a lot, not being able to bend over to pick them up there are things scattered about the house; missed tosses in the garbage can, pill bottle lids, pills, a couple of spoon fulls of jello...all have to wait until someone can come pick them up for me. In the hospital I thought it was due to the morphine drip causing the drops. I had to buzz the nurse to pick up my glasses, my comb and something else I don't recall because, after all I was on morphine.


Now that I'm home, I have to wear these cute white tights to prevent blood clots and I so wanted to go lay out in the sun the past couple of days its been so nice. I also have to wear the "swelly belly belt" to prevent me from "bustin a stitch". What happens if I bust a stitch? I'm just dying to tell you this one, my vagina turns inside out and then I will have had a sex change instead of a hysterectomy. I know, I have a sick, sick mind.


And a great big thanks to my son and my boyfriend who have been picking up after me and putting up with my sick jokes and the word vagina more than any man should have to. Love you both.

The Tact of Doctors

I have had the unfortunate experience of having to deal with many Doctors in many different situations in my 42 years. I recall my Father when he was told he was going to have to have a quadruple bypass, Dad's Dr. was straight forward, very blunt; "you're going to die, this artery is 90% blocked, this one is 99% blocked"...etc. etc. Dad ended up having a triple bypass because of a vein being too small to replace, However, it wasn't a blocked artery that killed him. I suppose most heart surgeons are more "matter of fact" I was appreciative of his tact or lack there of. My brother thought it was unnecessary and as is my brother's character, wanted to "kick his ass".

I have been having gynecological issues for a long time. Three years ago I had an endometrerial ablation (they burned the lining of my uterus) for my endometreosis. My procedure fixed my problem and I was liberated of the monthly nuisance we women have to endure. I loved my Dr., I'd been seeing her since I was sixteen, she always had a good poker face and nothing was certain until the tests came back. When on July 1st I began bleeding again I called her only to find out she had retired the "DAY" before. My new Dr., whom I had only seen once before had me come in, even on the phone, "we need to make sure you don't have 'cancer' or something". I had a pap smear and she sent me for a sonogram and set me up for a followup in two weeks and prescribed "two" antibiotics?!?

I found myself having chest pains at work one day and went to the ER. They took my blood and said I had tested positive for blood clots and was immediately sent for a CT scan, to which nothing was found and they sent me on my way. In the ER, they never seem to want to search any further for a problem, only having scanned my chest and lungs for clots. What about my brain, my legs, they could be anywhere. I knew I had my followup in two days so I would bring up the issue with her, I knew she would peruse it.

Granted, I like my new Dr., its hard to find a female Gynecologist. But she's young and when she talks she expresses herself with certain facial expressions. "you have developed white spots on your cervix" she says while clenching her teeth and smiling, her head bobbed in a downward motion. What was that? We were sitting in her office at this point (never a good sign when you have to see her in her office after your examination). She also went over the results of my sonogram with many clenches, smiles and head bobs as she explained all of the "abnormalities". I hadn't heard anything in the span between the tests and the appointment. My previous Dr. would call me immediately, sometimes at 6:00 or 7:00 pm, personally, if something came back amiss. OK, so this Dr. doesn't believe in "no news is good news".

I finally asked her about my blood test and questioned whether she felt we should be looking for blood clots and why would my test come back positive if there were none found? Her response included more clenching, smiling and head bobbing. "It would come back positive because of what is going on below". Now, I know a simple failure of an edometrial ablation would not prompt a blood clot test to come back positive, at least my common sense tells me that, otherwise every woman having her period would test positive for blood clots, but I'm not a Dr., what do I know? I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express at least not recently.

So, I have a thickening of the uterine lining, its mottled (discoloration), its falling, there's a growth within the lining and something about my bladder that I don't recall as I was in a fog for a moment. I've developed white spots on my cervix in a matter of just two weeks. She wants to do a biopsy on it and schedule a D&C on my uterus. OK. So over the weekend I developed new symptoms and then we have a storm the morning of my biopsy and there is no power to the Dr. office or most of the city. I call her exchange in a panic, explain my symptoms and she puts the D&C on hold and wants me to call and get squeezed in for a biopsy on my cervix and uterus as soon as they have power again (I can't see her clenching and smiling on the phone, thank God!) I've had to wait a week for the power to return and will finally get my biopsies today and then I'm on Vacation.

Now, I've already assumed the worst because of my Dr.'s body language and lack of tact so at first opportunity I visited Web MD. According to Web MD, I am exhibiting signs of Advanced Endometrial Cancer. ( I can no longer say I'm on the IBS diet due to having lost 30lbs in 6 months without being on a diet, its now the cancer diet) I've already rented a documentary/video journal of a woman with cancer. I learned of a non-profit organization called "Fuck Cancer", I'm ready to buy my "Fuck Cancer" T-Shirt and haven't even had the biopsies yet. If I weren't such a good sport with a sense of humor, I could be one of those people who, upon putting the pieces together themselves, finds themselves unable to crawl out of bed and is devastated before the results are even in. I cried for a day, the next day I was pissed because I wanted my uterus out 3 years ago and now I'm already in the acceptance stage. I'm sure I'll cry again when I get the bad news, because that is what I am expecting.

Dr.'s should be required to take a class on Tact and if they already do its not good enough. I like my new Dr. but she gets an "F". Maybe with experience she will learn or maybe I should be so bold as to tell her what she does. Now I'm going to be late for work, I should have taken the entire day off. At this point, I have a "so what" attitude anyway. It reminds me of Queen Latifa's movie but I don't recall the name, she got that "so what" attitude and went on one hell of a vacation.

At The Far End Of Life

At the far end of life
where worries are few,
where mid-summer suns,
leisurely, drink of the dew.

Where creeping phlox creep
at the pace of no time,
I yearn for that place
In the back of my mind.

At the far end of life
where time stands still,
where descent comes with ease
after climbing the hill.

Where memories stroll
with syrupy thoughts
past times thick with struggle,
the heart overwrought.

At the far end of life
when turmoil has passed,
I just want to grow old,
arrive at contentment at last.


Shorter version was Published in the Lyric, Voluem 85, Number 4
© 2005

Embracing Change

Life is a work in progress. Everyday is new and different. Everyday poses a new challenge, a new obstacle, a new struggle. "What doesn't break us will only make us stronger". I haven't broke yet. I haven't given up yet. Never in my life have I "not" been in control. Apparently God thinks its been long over due that I learn that lesson of letting go of the control and the things that I thought mattered most. The only control I have now is how I react or respond to the situation.

I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. I don't care what people think of me, therefore I am not afraid to be myself or say what I think. I'm kind and compassionate and as I said to my friend Vetter last night, "I'm just too nice". He assured me that was a dying quality and a good quality. Unfortunately, sometimes it gets you no where. Many people who have been through what I've been through in the last couple of years would grow cold and bitter, its just another coping mechanism to avoid pain. But its the pain that makes us who we are and its how we respond to that pain that builds our character and its how I respond that keeps me from becoming that cold bitter person. Who wants to be cold and bitter? I've learned to embrace the pain.

I've sacrificed my love for others and have stood back and watched them get hurt over and over again. Its like tough love, watching them hurt and not being able to do a damn thing about it or knowing you need to stay out of it. They have to learn it on their own or they will have learned nothing. I had to learn it, nobody was going to tell me what to do, but eventually you wake up and say "you were right" but by then its too late. To the outside observer, knowing the truth about any given situation really doesn't matter. People choose to be blind because it's less painful or its better than the alternative or less risky.

I used to wonder why I always chose the rough road but if we don't take the rough road, it takes us longer to really learn our lessons if we learn them at all. The easy road is just "the easy way out". Like people who don't like school, they skip class and end up not learning a thing or just dropping out and then where does that leave them? Not on solid ground that's for sure. You can't walk through life on the "soft" ground because it keeps giving way under your feet and you have to keep picking yourself up and starting over, eventually it gets exhausting and you give up and just lay there in the dirt, feeling dirty and weak. You lose your sense of self and pride and integrity and your journey becomes "not worth the effort" and you stop caring.

Every day people are given signs and pointed in the right direction, but every day those signs are ignored. Why? Because their minds are clouded by selfishness, with insignificant feelings of self pity and thoughts of "poor me". "Why is this happening to me?" they may ask. All the answers are right there.