Heavy Hearts

I want your warm breath, breathing on my face, my neck;
Your strength wrapped around me as I soundly sleep,
comfortably resting your hand within my thighs, or on my breast.
How you make me feel, outweighs the weight of fear.

When you open doors for me, you open up new passages;
uncharted rooms filled with frolicking and chairs for rocking.
The laughter looms, resonates and echoes endlessly.
How you make me smile, outweighs the weight by miles.

The silence of the room of two, caught up in King and Koontz
wears on me lightly, like a pair of worn and comfortable shoes.
wrapped up in characters of "sick fucks" and witty goons.
How we spend our time, out weighs the weight just fine.

In the morning when I wake with extra blankets tucked about
your warm breath gone off to another chilly day;
I'm left standing, warmed by the sun shining through my pain.
How It all works out outweighs the weight of doubt.

©2008

On Being Genuine

There are all kinds of people. What I think I've learned most about people as I've grown older is that the "what you see is what you get" , the genuine kind are few and far between. Everyone has some hidden insecurity or agenda that makes them think they have to put on a facade. I'm not excluding my self here mind you, I just don't hide them. People act one way in the presence of this person, another in the presence of that person. They all tell you what they think you want to hear. They assume way too much, did it ever occur to them that if they had a question to just come out and ask? They make promises and don't keep them. Who do you know who you can count on? If you want to count on someone, count on yourself, you'll never be disappointed and if you are, its nobody's fault but your own.

I guess I'm just gullible even naive. I expect when people tell me something that its true and they mean it. I have faith in them and am able to see the good in everyone and I always give them an opportunity to show their best side. If they don't, I don't judge them for it, its probably not their own fault they are fucked up; some experience ended up changing them, they become bitter, insecure and fake, even scared to live life. If there is anyone that should be those things, I've been through enough that it could be me but I'm not any of those things. Those emotions are fruitless, what good do they do anyone other than to push people away from them. People don't want to deal with other peoples drama.

I just want to be myself, if you like it, great! If not, its not going to offend me, if you have a problem with me, its not my problem. I like myself and I'm not going to be fake just so someone will like me. Why get frustrated over it? People are responsible for their own happiness but they wander aimlessly thinking that someone else can make them happy.

I'm content by myself sometimes and if I don't answer the phone or don't come over or say no to something, why is it they always think its because of them? They assume, create things in their heads as to "Why?" making up their own little scenarios thinking there must be something wrong and its just useless energy spent worrying.

All these little things end up making people paranoid, bitter, insecure, jealous, afraid..etc. Sometimes emotions are just a pain in the ass. I try to go with the flow and I'm not perfect but I'm not going to dwell on it either. I might write about it and then its done and over and I can move on to something else.

I'm not very gracious at accepting gifts and I can tell you exactly why. I was adopted and never got any affection from my parents but they spoiled me with material things. I was never left wanting for anything, but you know what? I would rather of had the affection. I would rather have been told "I love you!". I felt as though I was being bought off; "approve of me because I do all these things for you and buy you all these things"...they are just things. People think that if they do this or that for you, you will overlook their faults but they are only trying to make themselves feel better and then they turn around and expect something in return. But, in some sense it was a good thing, because if you know me well, when I do something for someone or give a gift, its not out of obligation, to gain approval or expect something in return, its because I felt like it.

I dislike Christmas just for that reason, geez how much pressure do people go through on Christmas for approval? "Gotta buy the right gift!" "If I give a good gift I'll get a good one in return." Gotta send everyone you know a Christmas card, you don't want them to think you aren't thinking of them and you want to get as many in return so you feel good about yourself. The best part of Christmas or any holiday for me is spending time with someone, having stimulating conversation over a good meal. I'm not being bitter or a scrooge, I'm just making an observation. Kudos to those who give and don't expect anything in return.

Anyway, I'll get off my soap box. I'm not directing this blog to anyone specific and if you think otherwise, there you go "assuming" again.

Here's my Christmas gift to everyone...good advice from the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz:

1. Be impeccable with your word
2. Don't take anything personally
3. Don't make assumptions
4. Always do your best

Peace
Liz

Fields Of Grass

I've become Pavlov's dog,
conditioned to flinch and run
with my tail between my legs;
wanting to head for the fields.

But I yield to insecurities.
Someone needs to clean
the pipe of resin choking me
coax me slowly, to hit

from blades of wheat grass;
cleanse the toxins from my past.
My heart is not obedient
yet I sit and stay and beg.

Residual negativity paralyzed
my individuality.
I'm not a canine champion
I'm meant to be a mix;

a creation of my own,
under the influence of me.
I learned to speak
but my barking ceased.

Only when I hit the grass
can I roll and play and revel,
chasing tails, pleasing no one,
wagging freely.


© 2008

Respect

The definition of respect according to the Oxford Dictionary is thus:

Respect
1. A feeling of admiration because of their qualities or achievements. 2. Consideration for the feelings and rights for others. 3. polite greetings. 4. A particular aspect or point: the government's record in this respect is a mixed one. - v 1. Have respect for: 2. Avoid harming or interfering with. 3. Agree to recognize and observe (a law, rule, etc.)

Respectable
1. Regarded by society as being proper, correct, and good. 2. Adequate or acceptable; fairly good.

Respectful
Feeling or showing respect

I don't know how others determine who or how they show respect. But in my book, I respect everyone. Sometimes they do things to lose my admiration by revealing qualities that are not so admirable and go against my beliefs of what is right or wrong and then, "maybe", they lose my respect. But in any case, I am still respectful because I was brought up to be polite and courteous and abide by the law and rules. Sometimes breaking a law or rule when it doesn't affect anyone other than myself I might stretch it or maybe even break it. But it only hurts me because I am still avoiding "harming or interfering".

I've tried to instill these qualities in my children but am I "respectable"? As a parent I may be "adequate or acceptable; fairly good". I know kids who have worse parents than myself and one would expect that for that reason in and of itself is good reason for my children to respect me as a parent. For the parents that are not "quite" as good as myself, maybe they are still "adequate or acceptable; fairly good" and so they should deserve respect as well, they are probably doing the best that they can.

Then there are those parents that are darn right awful, abusive and have no respect for anyone other than themselves, I'm not referring to them. Those parents instill fear in their children in an attempt to get them to behave or abide by the rules. Fear and respect are not the same thing.

As a parent, I expect certain things from my children, very simple things. I expect them to be respectful of my belongings, my home and my guests. Classified under that would be "don't touch my things unless you "ask" and "be polite". "Asking", very simple! Usually when asked, I say "OK" if its within reason. If you don't ask and just take, that's stealing and disrespectful. Something as simple as getting into my change jar, borrowing my CD player, my camera, my guitar, even getting into my wallet, are all things that I would probably say "OK" to but let me hand them the change or the few dollars I have.

Once these things are respectfully obtained, I expect them to be treated with respect as well. Don't leave them laying on the floor to get broken or leave the CD's/DVDs laying about to get scratched and put them away when one is done with them, "Pick up after yourself" and "take pride in your home and how it looks" its a reflection of who you are. The argument there is usually "well, you don't" maybe not sometimes but I'm not affecting anyone but myself if it is mine, the only one it will hurt is me.

One of my flaws as a parent is to let things slide. I love my kids and don't like to be angry with them. I would rather remind them of what they did wrong or remind them of what needs to be done and ask them to be more respectful next time but then at some point that becomes nagging and brings on more disrespect.

I'm still the same person/parent with the same core values and rules, in that case, according to definition 1 and 2 of the Oxford Dictionary, one would expect respect to be consistent. "I didn't like your behavior that day" should not be directed at a parent from a child. Its a poor excuse for misbehaving. You either respect your parents or you don't, there is no in between; no Grey area.

©2008

Hard Core Hysterectomy Confessions

I'm bored to tears, can't sleep and am coaxing along the long awaited BM after surgery. Today is the day, I've taken a pain killer in anticipation. (I know, I'll write about anything for the sake of writing. Sorry folks its the drugs.) The question of the day? will two the size of a pea constitute a BM? Surely its not a "Big Mama" more like " Borderline Microscopic". I have until Monday, then I have to call the Doc. Who by the way I've grown very fond of.

After feeling like I had been turned into a blow up doll, watching my legs inflate and deflate, knowing all I have left of my femininity is a tube. Everyone had to keep reminding me that my vagina was packed...packed for what? A vacation, where is it going and why? I finally learned the purpose of the packing when it was time to go home, the Dr. came in and announced she was unpacking my vagina...."You were told it was packed?" she asked. I thought to myself, "Yes, too many times to count, I'm glad its staying".



Doc spread 'em and proceeded to remove the long strip of gauze that was packing my vagina (I've been told I like that word and use it way too much). As she was removing it, hand over hand she clenched her teeth, smiled and bobbed her head as she often does and said "it just keeps on coming"..lol She may be a doctor but I think she secretly wanted to be a magician because that's what it looked like, a magic trick but instead of scarves in pockets, she uses gauze in vaginas.


I think we bonded while I was there and she called me yesterday, with much excitement (I think she was more excited than myself) to say that my biopsy came back NOT CANCEROUS!. I had fibroids and something called Asherman's syndrome. She had initially told me she would let me know on my follow up appointment this upcoming Wednesday. But she surprised me again.



Now I have 6 to 8 weeks of not being able to much of anything. I've learned that I tend to drop things a lot, not being able to bend over to pick them up there are things scattered about the house; missed tosses in the garbage can, pill bottle lids, pills, a couple of spoon fulls of jello...all have to wait until someone can come pick them up for me. In the hospital I thought it was due to the morphine drip causing the drops. I had to buzz the nurse to pick up my glasses, my comb and something else I don't recall because, after all I was on morphine.


Now that I'm home, I have to wear these cute white tights to prevent blood clots and I so wanted to go lay out in the sun the past couple of days its been so nice. I also have to wear the "swelly belly belt" to prevent me from "bustin a stitch". What happens if I bust a stitch? I'm just dying to tell you this one, my vagina turns inside out and then I will have had a sex change instead of a hysterectomy. I know, I have a sick, sick mind.


And a great big thanks to my son and my boyfriend who have been picking up after me and putting up with my sick jokes and the word vagina more than any man should have to. Love you both.

The Tact of Doctors

I have had the unfortunate experience of having to deal with many Doctors in many different situations in my 42 years. I recall my Father when he was told he was going to have to have a quadruple bypass, Dad's Dr. was straight forward, very blunt; "you're going to die, this artery is 90% blocked, this one is 99% blocked"...etc. etc. Dad ended up having a triple bypass because of a vein being too small to replace, However, it wasn't a blocked artery that killed him. I suppose most heart surgeons are more "matter of fact" I was appreciative of his tact or lack there of. My brother thought it was unnecessary and as is my brother's character, wanted to "kick his ass".

I have been having gynecological issues for a long time. Three years ago I had an endometrerial ablation (they burned the lining of my uterus) for my endometreosis. My procedure fixed my problem and I was liberated of the monthly nuisance we women have to endure. I loved my Dr., I'd been seeing her since I was sixteen, she always had a good poker face and nothing was certain until the tests came back. When on July 1st I began bleeding again I called her only to find out she had retired the "DAY" before. My new Dr., whom I had only seen once before had me come in, even on the phone, "we need to make sure you don't have 'cancer' or something". I had a pap smear and she sent me for a sonogram and set me up for a followup in two weeks and prescribed "two" antibiotics?!?

I found myself having chest pains at work one day and went to the ER. They took my blood and said I had tested positive for blood clots and was immediately sent for a CT scan, to which nothing was found and they sent me on my way. In the ER, they never seem to want to search any further for a problem, only having scanned my chest and lungs for clots. What about my brain, my legs, they could be anywhere. I knew I had my followup in two days so I would bring up the issue with her, I knew she would peruse it.

Granted, I like my new Dr., its hard to find a female Gynecologist. But she's young and when she talks she expresses herself with certain facial expressions. "you have developed white spots on your cervix" she says while clenching her teeth and smiling, her head bobbed in a downward motion. What was that? We were sitting in her office at this point (never a good sign when you have to see her in her office after your examination). She also went over the results of my sonogram with many clenches, smiles and head bobs as she explained all of the "abnormalities". I hadn't heard anything in the span between the tests and the appointment. My previous Dr. would call me immediately, sometimes at 6:00 or 7:00 pm, personally, if something came back amiss. OK, so this Dr. doesn't believe in "no news is good news".

I finally asked her about my blood test and questioned whether she felt we should be looking for blood clots and why would my test come back positive if there were none found? Her response included more clenching, smiling and head bobbing. "It would come back positive because of what is going on below". Now, I know a simple failure of an edometrial ablation would not prompt a blood clot test to come back positive, at least my common sense tells me that, otherwise every woman having her period would test positive for blood clots, but I'm not a Dr., what do I know? I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express at least not recently.

So, I have a thickening of the uterine lining, its mottled (discoloration), its falling, there's a growth within the lining and something about my bladder that I don't recall as I was in a fog for a moment. I've developed white spots on my cervix in a matter of just two weeks. She wants to do a biopsy on it and schedule a D&C on my uterus. OK. So over the weekend I developed new symptoms and then we have a storm the morning of my biopsy and there is no power to the Dr. office or most of the city. I call her exchange in a panic, explain my symptoms and she puts the D&C on hold and wants me to call and get squeezed in for a biopsy on my cervix and uterus as soon as they have power again (I can't see her clenching and smiling on the phone, thank God!) I've had to wait a week for the power to return and will finally get my biopsies today and then I'm on Vacation.

Now, I've already assumed the worst because of my Dr.'s body language and lack of tact so at first opportunity I visited Web MD. According to Web MD, I am exhibiting signs of Advanced Endometrial Cancer. ( I can no longer say I'm on the IBS diet due to having lost 30lbs in 6 months without being on a diet, its now the cancer diet) I've already rented a documentary/video journal of a woman with cancer. I learned of a non-profit organization called "Fuck Cancer", I'm ready to buy my "Fuck Cancer" T-Shirt and haven't even had the biopsies yet. If I weren't such a good sport with a sense of humor, I could be one of those people who, upon putting the pieces together themselves, finds themselves unable to crawl out of bed and is devastated before the results are even in. I cried for a day, the next day I was pissed because I wanted my uterus out 3 years ago and now I'm already in the acceptance stage. I'm sure I'll cry again when I get the bad news, because that is what I am expecting.

Dr.'s should be required to take a class on Tact and if they already do its not good enough. I like my new Dr. but she gets an "F". Maybe with experience she will learn or maybe I should be so bold as to tell her what she does. Now I'm going to be late for work, I should have taken the entire day off. At this point, I have a "so what" attitude anyway. It reminds me of Queen Latifa's movie but I don't recall the name, she got that "so what" attitude and went on one hell of a vacation.

At The Far End Of Life

At the far end of life
where worries are few,
where mid-summer suns,
leisurely, drink of the dew.

Where creeping phlox creep
at the pace of no time,
I yearn for that place
In the back of my mind.

At the far end of life
where time stands still,
where descent comes with ease
after climbing the hill.

Where memories stroll
with syrupy thoughts
past times thick with struggle,
the heart overwrought.

At the far end of life
when turmoil has passed,
I just want to grow old,
arrive at contentment at last.


Shorter version was Published in the Lyric, Voluem 85, Number 4
© 2005

Embracing Change

Life is a work in progress. Everyday is new and different. Everyday poses a new challenge, a new obstacle, a new struggle. "What doesn't break us will only make us stronger". I haven't broke yet. I haven't given up yet. Never in my life have I "not" been in control. Apparently God thinks its been long over due that I learn that lesson of letting go of the control and the things that I thought mattered most. The only control I have now is how I react or respond to the situation.

I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. I don't care what people think of me, therefore I am not afraid to be myself or say what I think. I'm kind and compassionate and as I said to my friend Vetter last night, "I'm just too nice". He assured me that was a dying quality and a good quality. Unfortunately, sometimes it gets you no where. Many people who have been through what I've been through in the last couple of years would grow cold and bitter, its just another coping mechanism to avoid pain. But its the pain that makes us who we are and its how we respond to that pain that builds our character and its how I respond that keeps me from becoming that cold bitter person. Who wants to be cold and bitter? I've learned to embrace the pain.

I've sacrificed my love for others and have stood back and watched them get hurt over and over again. Its like tough love, watching them hurt and not being able to do a damn thing about it or knowing you need to stay out of it. They have to learn it on their own or they will have learned nothing. I had to learn it, nobody was going to tell me what to do, but eventually you wake up and say "you were right" but by then its too late. To the outside observer, knowing the truth about any given situation really doesn't matter. People choose to be blind because it's less painful or its better than the alternative or less risky.

I used to wonder why I always chose the rough road but if we don't take the rough road, it takes us longer to really learn our lessons if we learn them at all. The easy road is just "the easy way out". Like people who don't like school, they skip class and end up not learning a thing or just dropping out and then where does that leave them? Not on solid ground that's for sure. You can't walk through life on the "soft" ground because it keeps giving way under your feet and you have to keep picking yourself up and starting over, eventually it gets exhausting and you give up and just lay there in the dirt, feeling dirty and weak. You lose your sense of self and pride and integrity and your journey becomes "not worth the effort" and you stop caring.

Every day people are given signs and pointed in the right direction, but every day those signs are ignored. Why? Because their minds are clouded by selfishness, with insignificant feelings of self pity and thoughts of "poor me". "Why is this happening to me?" they may ask. All the answers are right there.